IMMERSIVE WRITING
Writing in the 3rd Person Present Tense to make your story come to life.
AT 3:00 minutes in the added details take people out of the story, you are breaking the fourth wall because you said "they" as in some 'other" people, a man and a woman who are separated and far from us, that distances people, also you wrote :
He reached out cupped her cheek with his hand.
That separates "him" and distances the reader by writing it in second person.
If you want the reader to be "IMMERSED" then write in 3rd person!
The 3rd person is the READER, who is reading it and FEELING it vicariously, through the writing detail.
Instead write:
PRESENT TENSE NOT PAST TENSE Your first description was an account of something that happened in the past, to someone else, and had no immediate or urgent need to focus or care.
WRITE: (PRESENT TENSE 3rd PERSON)
Reaching out, stroking the blushing pink cheek, cupping it gently, to soothe her.
See how making it present tense, the reader will visualize, the hand in front of them reaching in the moment to cup the other characters face?
It puts the reader, in the scene, in the moment of very present and intimate situation and will then invoke or prompt reaction of their emotions being elicited. They will then FEEL and experience it as it happens to the Protagonist.
Do encourage your viewers to rewrite all scenes, and make them 3rd person, and not 2nd person, otherwise you as the Narrator, giving the account of past historical events, that : HE a guy stroked a woman's cheek, that it happened, but that will make them think, well what is the point, why are YOU now NOT saying WHY it matters? THAT makes them FOCUS on YOU as an AUTHOR!
So if YOU or OTHERS want to FIX the problem, and IMMERSE readers, then REWRITE and change it ALL to 3rd person PRESENT TENSE ASAP! ;)
READ my writing below and SEE how revealing the characters description and characteristics through the scenario, immerses the reader, and does not break the fourth wall. It puts the reader in the moment, showing but not telling what happened.
Making it 3rd person PRESENT TENSE makes a difference, SHOWING and NOT TELLING also matters!
Here is my writing, based on the WRITING PROMPT given by Jefferson Smith.
Story Idea by: Jefferson Smith
Scenario Written By : Krista Kaufman
Jefferson, all of your "other detail" does NOT carry emotional weight. In fact, the opposite!
If you want people to care or to FEEL it, the details,(at 2:33) INSTEAD WRITE in 3rd Person PRESENT TENSE:
Trembling with fear, hands shaking, wondering if she can keep her composure gathered long enough, to stay calm, to think of a way out of this nightmare, eyes darting from one feature to another, trying to burn the image of this attacker in her mind, knowing she will escape, clinging to that, her only hope of survival, and report him later, needing to be able to recall every detail, looking at the stained dirty trenchcoat, slovenly girth, shaggy hair draped at the shoulders, yet thinning on top giving away his age, the whiskers in the unshaven face could not hide, being grey and unkempt, he glared back at her with a ferocity, eyes dark and pupils dilated as if on drugs, the predator's eyes looked down following the unyielding gaze of hers, meeting the focus on the knife reflecting streetlight glinting, sending a chill through her spine that was from more than being in the cold night air.
Hearing the sound of laughter, a maniacal gruff heave of sound , suddenly startled her senses, eyes darting back to his face, now stepping back slowly, as he moved closer , ever more forward, towards her , growling don't move, if you know what is good for you, her breathe suddenly halted being frozen in fear, as her flesh crawled when he, reaching out, brushed the finger tips of his right hand across her left cheek, she noticed he was left handed, the left hand still weilding the serated blade of the knife, all while he was trying to engage her as if to gesture romantically, stroking her cheek, was he crazy?This madman, weilding a knife in the other hand , ready to strike , attack at any moment ,was trying to control her every movement through threat of death, if she dared move, or try to escape or rebuff his advances.
She knew she had no choice, it was fight or flight, she would run but her legs frozen to the ground trembling in fear that he would kill her, scared her more than he did, why now, why her legs would not move as her mind directed them to do, she did not know, she moved back, now with all her might, tried to defend herself, she turned to run, grabbing her he dragged her backwards, falling to the ground she did not know whether the force of his assault or the panic stopped her heart, the pain of the blade penetrating may have been the cause, she did not know, all she knew now, was that she looked up and found herself looking at a bright light, was this flood of light heaven? Struggling to breathe she suddenly knew it could not be, it was in fact the ER or the ICU unit at the hospital, she awoke to the sound of a nurse trying to check her vital signs. She was alive, the nurse confirmed that, but knowing what happened made her feel dead inside.
She knew this place, all too well, she herself was a nursing student. She was no longer the medical practitioner, she now was the patient.
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